So…

I haven’t posted in quite some time. And, up to this point, I haven’t shared my blog with anyone…so who really cares?

Anyway, a lot has changed since I last wrote on WitheringFlowers.

1. My husband and I bought a house.
2. I got a new job.
3. I’ve gained 15 pounds.

I was tempted to call this post, “Oops, now I’ve only lost 100 pounds,” but then I remembered something I’d read that shed some light on the 15-pound gain.

The article I recalled summarized countless psychological studies that have been conducted over the last 18 years. Without getting too into the details, study after study showed that humans only have a certain amount of willpower to “spend” before they run out. For example, one study filled a room with the aroma of freshly baked cookies and then asked participants to sit at a table with plates of cookies and radishes. After that, they were asked to complete a difficult geometric puzzle. Those who ate the cookies lasted TWICE as long when doing the puzzle as those who didn’t take a cookie or chose the radishes instead. This study on its own may not be convincing, but it’s one of many showing that people only have so much willpower to use.

Now, to get back to the point, I hate that I’ve gained 15 pounds. HATE. IT. I feel uncomfortable and stressed out. I’ve spent more time than I care to share beating myself up. “How could I do this? I look disgusting. I’m the laziest person on the planet.” You name it, I’ve thought it.

That was my mentality when I decided to write this. Self-loathing. Then, the study came to mind.

Buying a house is stressful. The financial bleed and number crunching that happens would give just about anyone a heart attack. Then there’s painting, scraping texture off walls, putting up wallpaper, buying new furniture…it’s never ending.

In the midst of all this, I was contacted about an open position at a large company. Their interview process was intense. I had panel interviews, one-on-ones, a writing test and a personality assessment—on top of trying to keep up with the busy season at my actual job. Once I got the job, my commute time tripled, my hours shifted and I had a whole new company to learn and a lot more responsibility.

That’s a lot. My willpower account was empty. I mean, it takes a lot of work for me to be charming enough to land a new job!

I’m not excusing this tendency of mine. It’s not in my body’s best interest to keep gaining and losing weight. I’m simply trying to understand it. Beating myself up accomplishes nothing.

Maybe next time I decide to take on a number of stressful events at once, I’ll find areas in my life ahead of time that I can let slide for a week or two. Maybe the house doesn’t need to be perfectly clean. Maybe I can grab a salad from Panera one night instead of rushing home to cook.

Maybe I’ll learn to spend my willpower a little more wisely. Maybe. TBD.